By Michael Fiore
Author of Text The Romance Back
Should You Withhold Sex?
“Hi, I have a question,
I have been dating with the guy for three years and have been always stating that my final goal is a marriage and I do not want to date for ever. He was stating that it’s the same for him but we have some disagreement about my kids, we need to work on. For the last years, it looks that we only fight every time we were trying to resolve disagreement and he said we need to put marriage on hold. I suggested to place on hold intimacy till we resolve the issues. For me, intimacy is something special that is a reward for working hard. He stopped contacting me conditioning it getting back to intimacy.
I am thinking was I right removing intimacy or is this the only things he want from relationship?
I appreciate your opinion or any advise.
First, take a deep breath, because this is going to get honest. So honest that it’s gonna hurt…
This relationship is over.
And BOTH of you are to blame.
First, let me applaud you for laying down what you wanted early in the relationship. You want marriage. You don’t want to date forever. You (at least you said) you made that clear to him. That’s fantastic.
ALWAYS BE CLEAR IN YOUR INTENTIONS.
Ladies and men, never sit around hoping that your partner will pick up on subtle clues or hints you drop. If you want marriage and kids, your partner has to hear those words come out of your mouth.
Unfortunately, that’s where the good news stops…
It sounds like he either lied or changed his mind. You mention in your email that he said he also wanted marriage at the beginning… but it’s been 3 years. If he is constantly telling you to put it off, he doesn’t want to get married. It might have been an idea he WAS into, and then after a while realized that marriage wasn’t for him, or marriage with you wasn’t for him.
I have a rule. If you’ve been dating someone for 2 years, you should know if you want to marry them or not. Plain and simple. 2 years is enough time to know if you want marriage or not. Does that mean you have to get married right then and there?
But it does mean the two of you have to have a conversation about marriage and the future. You both need to make sure you’re on the same page. And if you’re not? Move on.
The one stick in the mud here is the issue of the children. From your email, it sounds like the children are yours and from a previous relationship/marriage. There is a chance that the children changed his mind about marriage. He might have wanted marriage when it was just the two of you, but realizing he would also be a father is something he might not have been planning on.
Let me be clear. There is no blame on the children here. And in fact, no blame on him either. Some men don’t want to be fathers. And that’s okay. Just like some women don’t want to be mothers, and that’s okay! He might have stuck around to see if he warmed up to the idea, or if his mind would change but that subject is a deal breaker. If he doesn’t want to be a father, then he isn’t going to marry you.
Now some of you might be thinking “But he isn’t the FATHER, he would just be there to help out and look after them! Kind of like a great friend!” Doesn’t matter. When you marry someone with children you take on a parent role no matter how big or how small. If he doesn’t want any of that responsibility that is not his fault.
What is his fault is sticking around after he figured that out.
Now, onto a stickier topic…
NEVER WITHHOLD SEX.
Movies, books, and the media have given women this stupid idea that if they withhold sex from their partner, a magic switch will flip in his mind and suddenly he will see the error of his ways.
Withholding sex just hurts your relationship. As I talked about a couple weeks ago, when you are fighting, sometimes it’s great to have sex during the fight!
If you have told a man “we aren’t having sex until you apologize/until this happens…”and he either apologized or did what you wanted… IT’S BECAUSE HE WANTED TO HAVE SEX AGAIN. The apology was not meaningful and doing whatever you wanted was done because he wanted to have sex.
Withholding sex only causes more problems and tension within the relationship.
So what do you do instead of withholding sex?
You didn’t see that one coming did you?… Of course, you did. Because I talk about it every week. The key to a good relationship is communication.
So, Olga, what do you do?
Well, you need to talk to him. You need to ask him if he actually still wants marriage. And this is not a conversation where he says “let’s talk about this later.” You need to know, right here and now if that is something he still wants. If it’s not, you both need to go your separate ways.
Wishing you all the best,
P.S. Want to know if it’s TRUE LOVE or not? Take this quiz right now to find out: CLICK HERE!