By Slade Shaw
Author of Why Men Pull Away
Learn exactly what pushes men to leave…and how to NEVER feel abandoned or rejected
Things You Shouldn’t Share With Your Man
Ever noticed how some guys like to play hard to get?
“I usually don’t like to go all out when I’m still getting to know someone”, says Jim, a good friend of mine. He believes that acting too sappy and eager at the beginning is a huge turn-off for women.
Jim explains, “When I was younger, I had the tendency to call a girl I was dating ten times a day just to ask how she was doing.”
He adds, “I also had this habit of spilling my soul to her with my life story. I figured she’d appreciate my honesty and feel closer to me if I told her everything.”
Naturally, women ended up keeping their distance because of his clingy attitude.
“It occurred to me that the women I’ve dated couldn’t decide whether I was a potential boyfriend or a man-child that needed constant reassurance”, he shared with me.
Over time, Jim learned to pace himself. He says, “After a string of unsuccessful tries, I finally realized that I had to loosen up and take it easy with women. I’ve had better results after I developed a better sense of timing.”
I couldn’t help but agree with Jim. Overzealousness can sometimes get the best of us, and women too are just as capable of getting carried away with our emotions.
Over the decades, we girls have been conditioned to play hard to get when a man pursues us. In the strictest sense of the term, it’s dangerous ground to tread on.
There’s a fine line between reserving your charms and affections for the deserving…
…and purposely manipulating a man by playing mind games.
I propose a different way of “playing hard to get”. It’s withholding yourself in a way that places value on yourself and preserves your dignity at the same time.
For example, you might consider cooking a four-course meal for a man you’ve just dated twice. At that point, should you really spoil him that much?
Or should you give him a bowl of chips, popcorn and a soda…and then whip him up a grand dinner AFTER he’s proven himself worthy?
So you see, it’s really not a matter of NOT treating him well. It’s more of the proper timing for everything.
A man is more likely to appreciate your sweetness if he’s felt that he’s earned it. He’ll feel like a king if he feels that he had to go through the stages of courtship (i.e. worked hard) before reaching that point.
As such, being attractive boils down to doing things at the right time – that also includes the way you talk about yourself.
When we feel close to someone, it only seems right to share personal details and stories that you wouldn’t normally talk about with anyone else.
When it comes to dating however, it’s wise to go about this with caution. You need to be careful with what AND how you talk about past experiences and yourself in general.
Before you start sharing your stories with him, keep a couple of guidelines in mind.
First, your disclosures should NOT give him the impression that you’re a whiny victim.
We’ve all encountered this type in some facet in our lives. I’m sure you’ve met at least one colleague, friend, or relative who has nothing better to talk about than how their sad little lives have gone to ruin.
You’ll get an earful about the rotten luck they’ve been having, or how a bunch of people are always on their case.
Your new date wouldn’t want to be wasting his time listening to your complaints, so be courteous enough to keep the whining to a minimum. Sitting through a barrage of sob stories has never made any woman sexy from a guy’s point of view.
He’ll be thinking, “Man, I don’t think I’ll be asking her out on another date if she keeps this up!”
Being a victim isn’t hot. Guys want an equal partner who can be as strong and independent as they are.
They’d rather be a boyfriend, and not a babysitter. Endlessly agonizing over the problems of your life (and in front of him no less) is not an endearing trait.
Thus, your hang ups do not make for good conversation. It’s perfectly alright to tell him about the stuff you have to put up with as long as you’re upbeat about it.
For instance, if you’re going to talk about the kind of hassles you have at work, make you don’t drag your date into a downward spiral of negativity.
Your guy should associate good feelings with you; you don’t want him remembering you through a depressing story that you told him.
While you’re being positive, lay off the self-depreciation too. Funny anecdotes are alright provided that they don’t make you ou tto be some insecure woman who defines herself through her imperfections.
A common mistake that some naïve girls make is to open up about themselves in a way that tells a guy, “I’m not attractive, confident, or young enough for you.”
That’s obviously not a very good vibe to give off to guys. Worse, these restrictive beliefs set you onto a path that you’ll blindly follow.
For example, if you think that men find you hopelessly unattractive, it will taint your attitude and make you less receptive to guys who show interest in you.
Be wary of how you talk about yourself because broadcasting the wrong impression upon men will doom you to the same situation, over and over.
The second most important thing to remember about storytelling is to be tactful about your past experiences.
What’s worse than negative self-talk? A rich and unsettling account of all the horrid details of your past…
…such as failed relationships or the full history of your childhood traumas.
A therapist would probably be all ears, but your date will smile, nod politely, and secretly look for the nearest exit.
I’m not saying you can’t share these things with him later on. I’m only asking you to be graceful enough not to shock him by unloading ALL of it on the first date.
You want to attract him, not have him running for dear life! Like what I said before, it’s all a matter of timing.
Give him enough time to know you little by little so that he can gradually see both the good and not-so-good sides of your personality.
Rushing him into knowing every little thing about you will kill the mystery and make him extremely uncomfortable.
Going back to Jim’s example, don’t make the same mistake of going all the way in the interest of fostering premature closeness. It takes time to develop a bond with a guy, and raunchy tales about your ex-boyfriends won’t speed things up one bit!
As the famous saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt….or worse, the urge to get the heck away from you! While guys love mystery, they would be more than happy to settle for not being taken aback by your juicy confessions.
Take it from me. Back in college, I had made a lapse in judgment during a date, just like Jim did. I had just broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and my friends set me up with an acquaintance whom they thought would be a perfect match for me.
It would have been, if not for my over-eagerness. Looking back, I was probably that way because I had just come out of a relationship.
Feeling a good vibe from this new guy, I was pretty sure the attraction was mutual.
I felt comfortable enough to tell him about the nasty fights I had with my ex. Too bad he was nowhere near as enthusiastic to hear about my stories as I was in telling them.
And so we ended the date, never becoming anything more that just friends. He never did bother to ask me out, nor did I have the nerve to insinuate that I wanted him to.
Nevertheless, I learned an important truth that you should realize as well. Being truly irresistible means to treat yourself like a prize so that he follows suit.
Demeaning yourself with inappropriate discussions about your insecurities or stories of a turbulent past won’t get you more than a couple of dates from the same man.
Vent to a specialist or your closest friend for support if you must. Just don’t think that doing the same with a newfound man is going to bring you closer to him.
Guys know that everyone has their own unique issues to deal with. However, they’d rather go out with someone who can handle their problems maturely…
…and doesn’t have the burning desire to tell the whole world about it.