By Mirabelle Summers
Author of Get A Great Guy Guide
If you want genuine men and not just any man, this will challenge your beliefs about love and attraction, and show you the way to become a seduction success story, check this out…
Free Video: Get A Great Guy Guide
Dating Past 40: 5 Tips You Must Know
Hello ladies. Today we’re going to be having a talk about how to date with confidence over 40.
Maybe you’ve never met Mr Right, or have recently gone through a divorce. It can be hard knowing where to start in the dating world.
In this day and age, people are a lot more transient in their careers and lifestyle choices than they were 50 years ago. Divorce rates are on the rise, and the dating scene is blooming for those wishing to find love in mid-life.
But all too often we are hearing from amazing women that being single in middle age means:
– They are a failure
– They are ‘past it’
– They will never find a man
– They may as well give up trying
THIS IS NOT TRUE!
Dating in mid-life is truly an amazing opportunity.
You have the benefit of already having a strong idea of who you are and how you want to live your life. This is your chance to now find a great man to share all of your joys, interests and dreams with.
In this article, we explore 5 ESSENTIAL pieces of advice which will allow you to approach dating over 40 with confidence.
1. Embrace who you are
When we are in our twenties, we are still finding our way in the world, and usually do not have a true picture of who we are as a person.
Our relationship partners are often chosen more on attraction rather than shared interests and our lives are constantly changing.
In middle age and later in life, we have the benefit of having an already fully developed sense of self. We know what we want – and what we don’t!
We have the benefits of being able to reflect on past relationships and what we learned from these experiences.
This does not mean we cannot still change and grow, but does mean we have more of an idea of what we are looking for in a relationship partner and what our limits are.
So be confident and let men see exactly who you are and what you enjoy in life. Being open will make it a lot easier to find a partner who has interests and views which match your own.
2. Be open to new ways of meeting men
The best way to approach dating over 40 is to get creative!
Why not join an internet dating site? This is a great way to match up with men who have similar interests to you – you will be surprised with how many amazing eligible men are out there.
Other great ways to meet men are through getting involved in community activities, joining a gym or sports club, and just asking all of your friends if they know of anyone who would be good for you. It is amazing how many couples meet through mutual friends.
Just making an effort to get out of the house more will greatly increase your chances of bumping into a special someone. Going to your local café, library, pool… the possibilities are endless.
If you meet a man at one of your favourite places, chances are you already have a lot in common.
3. It will feel different – that’s OK!
Don’t be put off if you don’t feel the same as you did dating as when you did when you were 20. Times have changed, you have changed – embrace it.
Enjoy the good things about being a little older and wiser. You have the means to go to a nice restaurant rather than cheap BYO, you have you own house (or his!) to go back to at the end of the night.
Not to mention being a little more experienced in the bedroom department!
Remember that this all may be new to the man you are dating as well. And one of the best things about older men is that they are generally a lot more upfront and honest with how they feel – you won’t have to put up with the silly games that men often play in their twenties.
4. Protect yourself
Beware of men who are after what you have!
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to hear of seedy men taking advantage of older women, especially online. All too often you hear stories of women transferring money to their ‘lovers’ overseas and then never hearing from them again.
So keep your wits about you ladies.
Make sure that what he is really interested in is you, not your assets. If he starts asking early on about the contents of your bank account, this is a definite no-no.
Trust your instincts and if you do suspect you have come across a scammer, seek advice and notify the authorities.
5. Talk about your children
Dating can be more complicated when you have children.
But ladies this is not – and I repeat NOT a reason to avoid putting yourself out there.
It is important to always have your children’s needs at heart and to be putting your role as a mother first.
But remember that you also have your own needs as a woman, and deserve to be loved. The right man will make an effort with your family and will support and respect you in your role as a mother.
My main piece of advice here is to be open and honest with all involved. You do not want to get caught in a guilt trap, or feel like you have to hide any parts of your life.
This means being honest with your children – letting them know you are going to be spending time with a man other than their father.
Although the conversation will vary depending on your children’s ages and levels of understanding, the key here is to give the message that you love them, they are your number one priority and the fact that you are seeing someone is not going to change that.
This also means being honest and upfront with the man you are dating – let them know straight away that you have children rather than trying to hide this. Don’t be afraid that this will send him running – if this is the kind of reaction he gives then he is not worth your time!
Be proud of the fact that you are a mother – the right man will respect and value this very special part of your life. Chances are that men you meet may even have children of their own.
*** And if you’re looking for more great advice on how to get the man of your dreams (and avoiding men who waste your time or break your heart!), check out Get a Great Guy Guide.
Because no matter where you are at in life… we all deserve to live the dream and have a great man to share it with 🙂
Here’s the Free Video: Get A Great Guy Guide
Please feel free to comment and share your own experiences below. I would love to hear whether you found this article helpful, as well as any other questions or feedback you may have!
Never settle just because you’re older and lonesome. At the first sign of abuse or control…RUN!
I am over 60 but as you can see I don’t look it… I think and hope I am not the only woman with this problem… in that I look like my early 50’s and a body in very good shape … so when I did put in my real age… I got men who looked like they were taking their last breath.and the only thing I could come up with is that men saw the age looked at me and figured I was lying about my pictures.. so I have learned if I want some comparable man to respond to how I look and feel … guess what I have to do YES lie about my age. Because I am a minority within a minority… but as people get better life styles.. eating right and exercising you Love guru’s need to get started on how to help women like me with relevant information for dating on line… There is lot of information that is useful and I am thankful but this area I have just explained needs to be looked into thank you
thank you for the great honest advice…you are right ! we do need to embrace who we are at this age and ENJOY!
@ Anna – Not all men are going to run away once they know your age. Perhaps you should be looking in other places to meet men if the ones you’re running into act that way. I’m sure there will be guys out there who’ll accept you completely and not have to make you lie about your age.
I think I would enjoy going on a date now I’m older. When I was younger they used to freak me out 🙂
I’m 48 years old have one child she’s 20yrs old and vr independant me and her dad knows to provide for her equally even though we’ve been divorced for a long time I got married one year ago my husband lives in one province and me in a other, he simply has no luck to getting a job to where we purchased our home he currently resides at his mom ‘s house and he has an 18year old son his x wife doesn’t work and he provides alone fr everything his child needs and requests his x wife is in good health she just refuses to work his mom on the other hand also expects of him to get whatever she wants as for me I’m independant as weLl I feel I don’t feature anywhere a year has passed I’m giving up I had enuf
Anna, I’m turning 50 soon and have the same issue. I am very active and take good care of myself; everyone tells me I look late 30’s and if I were able to meet men organically I probably could find someone decent, youthful and active. But I’m not into the bar scene, and I live in a rural area so online is really my best option. But like you, all I get is geezers who look my dad’s age!! I hate the thought of lying about my age (who wants to start a potential relationship with a lie? I’d be pissed if someone lied to me about something that fundamental), but it may be my only option. If youthful, active men don’t want a 49 year old, they sure don’t want a 50 year old! For some reason, that sounds twice as old LOL!
Meet Your Sweet: I could be wrong, but I think what Anna is saying is that when she puts her real age on her profile, she gets responses from men around her age, but they are not as fit & young-looking as she is. And men who would be more to her liking, fit & younger or younger-looking such as herself, see her age & maybe assume her pictures are not real or are very out of date, so they do not approach her.
Hello, I live in a big city in China,my boyfriend is in a southern city of USA, We have been staying together nearly 5 years, he dosent want to marry me because i have a son of 16 years old now.half years ago i found him with a young man,he let that the young live in his home. he told me the young was his worker,then, his friend, then his family, he likes the young man, the young man is homeless living on the street.so many times he told me he has nothing to do with the young,and he has gone, minutes later i found the young man in his room in the early morning 4 am. he denied. i took the picts from the skype, still dened. i expressed my sad feelings, he got angry and never talked to me since 50 days ago. i send him emails , never reply.I am Chises he is White.he came to visit me 4 years ago. i need help. I really love him, want to spent my whole life with him. How to do?
I absolutely agree with Anna. I am English and have had the same experience with online dating. I am 66 but as I am very petite with a really good, firm, slim figure, and a pretty face and long dark hair, I am told I look early 50’s. I would prefer a man around 55 to 60. However, if I put in my real age on my profile, I would be matched wth 65 to 75’s. Not good. As you say, Anna, they mostly all look as though they are taking their last breath – and they certainly have forgotten how to take good care of themselves. Who wants a fat, toothless, baldng slob? One guy I met had not even bothered to polish his shoes and iron his shirt – on a first date – please !! And I had taken ages getting ready. He did comment on how nice I looked, but somehow that just rubbed my face in it!! Then when I politely said I did not want a second date, he asked if I would still have sex with him. I am a member of a folk club, choir and art group, and meet loads of men when doing my extra work on films and television, but have yet to meet Mr. Right. The one guy I am involved with, who I met through a friend, who is gorgeous, and I have given my heart to, has turned out to be an alcoholic!! My best man-friend tells me I am being too picky, but I do have standards! HELP! Lorna
@Anna,
It’s an amazing thing to look 10 years younger.Yes, people may assume you may be putting a pic taken 10 years ago, but you’ve to bust that assumption by writing a line in your profile ! I’m 60, but I look around 50 ‘coz I ( blah blah, whether it’s your genes( inherited from your parents) or work-out or eating right, whatever it is that you’re doing to help you looking so young).
Lying on a profile is a huge,huge turn off for the right man ( or woman).
I met a guy who lied about his age on the profile,( met through family friends, so I knew his real age ) & when I saw his profile, he reduced 6 yrs on it. I had one date after which I saw his profile, knew he lied about his age & that’s it, that was the last I saw of him.
Please embrace your youthful looks with pride.It’s not a shameful thing (to be looking younger ) to lie to make people feel you’re not lying !
Just mentioning a line in your profile will clear things up – something like – I’m 60 years old, but people say I look 50-53 ( whatever the range is ) ( you’ll see ! ) something like this. So it attracts men who respect & appreciate your authenticity & guess what ? Those kinds of men are generally authentic themselves – true genuinity from both sides is a perfect foundation for a life-lasting relationship.
@Anna is right… men are very ageist … they don’t women their own age…they always want younger … they think they have the RIGHT to younger! They are very well-aware that women outnumber men … so they think they have it made and we have to accept what we can get! I’m sorry but you don’t know this because you’re not over 60 yourself. So…please give women over 60 something to look forward to! What can we do to find young-minded men, not doddering old men who’ll need carers in the very near future. I notice you didn’t tell @Anna where to find these guys
and besides being ageist, men over 60 are still very often sexist!!! Where do we 60+ females find men who don’t have those old-fashioned expectations? I refuse to believe that “women should know their place”! I don’t need any man to look after me or think for me, and I sure as hell wasn’t put on this earth to wait on anyone! If a man can’t look after himself as well as I can look after myself, then he’s no use to anyone… not even himself! Why can’t we find men who are as independent as we are but who want to share their lives, or a part of their lives, with us? Don’t such men exist?
In my 1st comment, I left out a word…sorry. I meant to write “they don’t want women their own age”
I am 84, but I look, think and act much younger. My problem is that even men in their 60s or less are interested in me. And yes, scammers seem to be attracted to me, even though I am poor. I have gotten rid of several already. When a man seems to be interested in me, I begin researching them right away, beginning with Tineye. I can also usually tell a scammer by the way they write, what they say, etc. They seem to copy and paste their messages, they are so similar. My standards are very high, and I make that very plain. I am a dedicated Christian, and I am not interested in anyone who is not a Christian. I am on 2 dating sites, and it is not unusual for there to be well over 100 who are looking at my profile at least one time a month, per site, sometimes much more often. I go to a gym to work out, usually 3 times a week, and have met several men there, but most of them are married. I go to church very regularly, but there are no single men there. So far I have not found any local dating meetings where I can meet single men in person. Any ideas?
I am 63 years young and people tell me I am lying about my age. I look a lot younger. My husband died a while back and I have put myself outside my comfort zone and dated men completely different than my husband. I have dated forty somethings to seventy somthings and having a wonderful time meeting new people. I was married over half of my life and I know I will meet Mr Right but Im not in a hurry
You alienated an entire segment of the over-40 crowd. Those of us who wanted the picture perfect life of a career and husband and kid or two but didn’t get it. I am 48, never married, no kids. I have dates consistently and my friends all consider me a good catch (fit and healthy lifestyle, told I look 10 years younger, intelligent (on second masters degree), financially stable tho not rich (own a condo but can’t afford adoption), worldly (traveled to over 35 countries), compassionate and giving. I have been in a “relationship” with an emotionally abusive person (he is 41) for over two years and spend all my money on therapy trying to figure out how to leave and go back to being alone because of the cycle of pain – but I always fall back in because of how he is the other 50% of the time plus I have a great relationship with his daughters 7 and 9 (and their mother who really likes me) and I can’t bear the idea of being alone again or dating all the other emotionally unavailable Peter-pan men online who are 65 and want a 40 year old when I just want someone my own age who still has younger children to whom I can be a step-mom, and yet treats me with respect. I also don’t know how to say goodbye to his adorable girls who mean so much to me.
I am a 67 year young widow as my husband of 39 yrs died suddenly 5 yrs ago.He and I were friends and had multiple similar interests.I find that if you are a widow at a young age with children it is easy to remarry and if you are in your late 70-80 range you are not concerned as much.I found that the worst age is 50-70 as we are still young and interesting & feel we have life ahead of us.I worked until last year,take adult ed classes,belong to social clubs and joined a country club where at least I am meeting nice women friends.However, I find most men particularly older ones are only interested in a nurse or a purse and I am leery of on line dating & the horror stories I hear & am not interested in finding a man on a bar stool.Seems like most men old or young want some hot young chick.I am not necessarily looking to remarry but just want a nice friend-companion to go to dinner or the show & of course sex is real nice too!!
I am 62 years young……..and am dating a wonderful 51 year old guy, who can keep up with me. I do look young for my age…and learned after my husband pasted, that I had to love me first and get me right. Then I could look for someone to spend time with and enjoy life.
Your statement about Embracing yourself is just that. I had to deal with the lose of a husband and learn to live again. Thank you for your words of encouragement, I have found someone on a dating site, and yes had some jerks try to take me for $$……but once I was sure of me….I saw right through them. And yes I lied about my age too in the beginning…….
@Anna, you are spot on! Thank you for highlighting this problem. I am 63 and everyone tells me I look half my age. It shows in my photos. I look after myself, keep fit , have a great figure and eat healthily. I am also an independent woman with a great careerI I drive a lovely car and own my own beautiful home, which I achieved without the help of a man.
I have been trying to date online now on three different sites for quite a while and I am also disappointed with the results. I am being matched with men my age or older and they are all literally ready for the grave, trust me! I find them old, tired and very grumpy, always moaning and groaning and thinking that when you agree to chat to them it is a signal of a relationship. I have had some of them even trying to use me for my professional skills for free, asking me to edit things for them or trying to get me to set up business with them. I refuse to be used and will say so or just simply stop talking to them, but it makes you feel as if you are not a nice person.
I rarely get to see younger active men online and those I see do not seem to be interested, do not respond if I say hi, which I find very rude,and this is on a Christian site, and I’m sure they think I am using old photos, which I am not, even when I say clearly that I am young looking, fit and active.The few older. Men that I have agreed to meet turned up looking a real mess and thinking it is ok. I was appalled. One man came to a first date with a massive stain right on the front of his shirt! He had not even bothered to change lol! Needless to say I refused to see him again but he didn’t seem to understand why., These older men seem to be looking for a free nurse/carer and have one foot in the grave. The one or two younger men who turned up to meet me seemed to think I should invite them to my home after one date only, which I refuse to do, as I felt it was too early, but they kept insisting so I had to pull away as I wasn’t sure of their motives.
I am disappointed and like Meet your Sweet suggested, I am planning to start back regularly at the gym very soon and perhaps sign up somewhere for an evening class or hobby to see if I can extend the age range and activity levels of the men I am currently meeting. I know for a fact that I have no intention of ending up with a guy my age who does not take care of himself but is looking to find someone young looking and attractive to act as their nurse. I’m just not ready for that but I am equally not about to be taken for a ride simply for my assets, and I know I will meet a great man soon. Good luck to all you ladies over 60. Please share any other tips you can give on where to meet fit quality men at any age.
Interesting column. I am in a long time relationship, however I am meeting people who are in their 50’s and 60’s and still getting out doing stuff, and meeting someone new. The new relationship energy is great. A friend in her 50’s went to the symphony and met her next husband (about her age) at intermission. Several friends in their 60’s have met guys they really like while doing the event/activity that makes them feel good, and are having a great time. A lot more smiles around me.
I can’t see any disadvantages to dating when you’re a bit older than 20 🙂 although I can see that as you may have children you would have to bear in mind that even older children need some reassurance.
I am a widow after nearly 40 years of marriage — and it was a good marriage. After three years, I would very much like to have someone to share my life with again. I have tried on-line dating and have met some great guys. The landscape is so much different, however, than it was when I was dating 45 years ago. I was a virgin at the altar. Now, I have been very attracted to some men, who I think are being very respectful and are waiting for me to make a move….and I am waiting for them. So they easily, in their minds, let me down after a few dates and go with a woman who may be more forthcoming with her sexuality. My heart still breaks, though, to be left alone again….