{"id":2049,"date":"2018-07-03T23:25:08","date_gmt":"2018-07-03T23:25:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.meetysweet.com\/women\/blog\/?p=2049"},"modified":"2018-07-03T00:09:08","modified_gmt":"2018-07-03T00:09:08","slug":"how-to-stop-your-past-from-poisoning-your-future","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.meetysweet.com\/women\/blog\/how-to-stop-your-past-from-poisoning-your-future\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Your Past from Poisoning Your Future"},"content":{"rendered":"

By James Bauer<\/em>
\nAuthor of The Secret Love Instinct<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n

What If You Knew What Men Secretly Wanted, but They Could Never Tell You… Don’t Forget To Check Out\u00a0<\/strong><\/em>T<\/em>he Secret Love Instinct<\/a><\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n

How to Stop Your Past from Poisoning Your Future<\/strong><\/h2>\n

Your exes.<\/p>\n

What comes to mind when you think of them?<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re like most women, the first word that comes to mind is \u201cheartbreak.\u201d<\/p>\n

Pain. Mistakes. Scars.<\/p>\n

You have to carry that baggage for the rest of your life.<\/p>\n

Common wisdom says you should forgive.<\/p>\n

You can\u2019t let go of the past until you\u2019re completely at peace with what happened and hold no anger.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s a wonderful goal to aim for.<\/p>\n

Forgiving your exes lightens your heart, helps you heal, and restores joy to your love life.<\/p>\n

But it\u2019s not easy. Not in the slightest.<\/p>\n

Surely, if you could forgive, you\u2019d have done it already, right? Because it feels so much better when you let stuff go.<\/p>\n

You don\u2019t want to carry that stuff around with you. You, more than anyone, know how much better life would be if you didn\u2019t feel pain every time you thought about that part of your past.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I sometimes suggest a different goal:<\/p>\n

Compassion with boundaries.<\/strong><\/p>\n

It accomplishes many of the same benefits as forgiveness, but it\u2019s much more attainable. It helps you reap the lessons and discard the chaff, so that your future looks a whole lot brighter.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start by looking at boundaries.<\/p>\n

How to Keep Bad Things from Happening Again<\/strong><\/h3>\n

The reason so many of us hang onto unforgivingness is because we think it protects us. We don\u2019t want to get hurt again.<\/p>\n

So we remind ourselves periodically, \u201cLook at what happened last time I trusted someone! Remember how that turned out?\u201d<\/p>\n

But what happened to you last time doesn\u2019t predict what\u2019s going to happen to you this time.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re smarter now. You\u2019re stronger. You don\u2019t need to hold onto those old memories in order to make wiser choices this time around.<\/p>\n

Letting the past hang around just casts a pall over your future. There\u2019s a better way to keep yourself safe.<\/p>\n

And that\u2019s by setting boundaries.<\/p>\n

Boundaries are your limits. They define exactly how you\u2019ll allow yourself to be treated. Some boundaries go without saying\u2014no abuse, no violence, no cheating. But other boundaries are fuzzier. Let\u2019s discuss a few of those.<\/p>\n

For example, will you allow an intimate partner to crack a joke at your expense? Is it okay if he shows up late? What if he gets mad at you in a way you find intimidating?<\/p>\n

Before, you may have allowed those behaviors. You didn\u2019t want to lose the relationship, so you didn\u2019t call him out on the stuff that made you uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

But you\u2019re not that woman anymore.<\/p>\n

You\u2019re not going to give up your power in a relationship again. You\u2019re going to stand your ground. And boundaries are going to help you do it.<\/p>\n

Get out a sheet of paper and write down a list of your boundaries. What won\u2019t you tolerate in a relationship anymore? What\u2019s unacceptable? Put it all down in writing (for yourself\u2026no one else).<\/p>\n

This is where you can gain useful lessons from even your most painful past experiences. Think back to behaviors that made you feel small, used, or powerless.<\/p>\n

As you write them down, feel yourself drawing a line between your past and your future. Tell yourself, \u201cNo more. Never again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Letting Go of the Anger<\/strong><\/h3>\n

As you think about your past, you may find yourself getting angry that you allowed men to treat you the way they did.<\/p>\n

It can be hard to consider forgiving them for behavior that was heartless, even cruel.<\/p>\n

Try this instead.<\/p>\n

Consider that these men who hurt you were themselves wounded.<\/p>\n

Maybe they grew up seeing relationships in which both partners hurt each other, so they thought that behavior was normal. Maybe they never saw what healthy love looked like. Maybe they never felt loved, so they decided to take what they could.<\/p>\n

That doesn\u2019t excuse their behavior, but it helps you feel compassion.<\/p>\n

If you still struggle to feel compassion, try to imagine your ex as a 5-year-old boy. That boy didn\u2019t know he\u2019d grow into a man who\u2019d make mistakes.<\/p>\n

That boy was just like every other boy, full of life and energy. If you can\u2019t feel compassion for the man, can you feel compassion for the boy?<\/p>\n

The other place where you may need compassion is with regard to yourself. You may not just feel angry about what he did; you may feel angry with yourself for letting it happen.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019d have known better, you would have acted differently. But you did the best you could with what you knew at that time.<\/p>\n

Can you feel compassion for your own mistakes?<\/strong><\/p>\n

We all make mistakes in love. Sometimes, they\u2019re major mistakes. But those mistakes are our teachers. They show us what to look for in future partners.<\/p>\n

Have you done the work of forgiving an ex? Let us know what you think!<\/p>\n

By the way, don’t forget to watch this video:<\/p>\n

Video: The #1 Trait Men Desire In A Woman<\/a> <\/strong><\/h2>\n

Learn this and he’ll come at you with the energy and enthusiasm he had on your FIRST DATE<\/strong>!<\/p>\n

\"The<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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