By Brad Browning
From The Ex Factor Guide
If you can’t tell for sure if you’re over analyzing your ex’s behavior, then check this out…
How To Get Your Ex Back (Step-By-Step Guide To Reversing A Breakup)
I’ve been working with men and women across the world for the past seven years or so and I’ve learned a lot about how to get your ex back.
It’s a very complicated process and there’s a lot of nuances to it and one of the best ways I’ve found to break it down into manageable chunks is to break it down into three phases.
Are you all ready to hear this?
Here are the three phases of getting your ex back and it’s called 3R System. Recovery, Rekindling and Re-Attraction.
Phase #1. The Recovery Phase
The first phase after your breakup. This is where you’re feeling at your worst. After a breakup, you’re going to be feeling heartbroken, lonely, depressed, whatever it is.
All those emotions are at their peak during the recovery phase. Again, this is the first month or so after the breakup.
The main goal of this period is just what it says recovery, you want to get to the point where you can make good decisions, make rational decisions, avoid breaking into tears when you talk to your ex etc.
So that’s why one of the main things you need to do during the Recovery phase is ignore your ex. Don’t talk to your ex, leave him or her alone for the next little while, for the first month or so.
Now, also during this phase in addition to ignoring your ex, you also want to remove reminders of your ex from your life.
Now that means taking pictures off the wall, taking the stuffed animals and the love notes, putting them all in a box, putting it in your basement. Just removing all the physical reminders of your ex from your life.
Not only do you want to remove the physical reminders, you also want to remove your ex’s contact details from your phone, hide their status updates from your Facebook Timeline, do whatever you need to do to forget your ex during this phase.
Now I know, you want to get your ex back but you still need to recover to the point where you can think rationally and handle a conversation with your ex without like I said breaking into tears.
Another important thing to this Recovery process is occupying your time.
This is the time when you need to lean on your friends, go hang out with your friends, make new friends, pick up new hobbies, go to the gym, work on your goals in school or work, date other people, whatever it is that you need to do to stay busy during this first month while you’re ignoring your ex.
Now, this is probably a good time for me to also point out an important fact and that is that every single breakup, yours included is caused by the same thing and that is a loss of attraction.
Your ex was previously attracted to you and then the attraction faded whether it was over a week or a month or a year, to the point where they decided to break up.
If your ex gave you reasons as to why the break-up happened in the first place, maybe they gave you know an explanation or they mentioned a few things that led to their decision to break up.
I’m sorry to say they were probably lying or if they were telling the truth then it was only part of the truth, they were probably trying to avoid further conflict for the discussion or trying to avoid hurting you further.
But you do need to realize as I said, all relationships fail due to a loss of attraction. This can be because you displayed some negative characteristics, unattractive characteristics that caused your ex to lose attraction.
Things like jealousy, neediness, complacency, cheating or you stop displaying the attractive characteristics that caused your ex to fall for you in the first place.
During the recovery phase, you don’t want to be over analyzing things, you don’t want to be reading into everything your ex is saying or doing and assuming that it has some deeper meaning.
But it’s also a good opportunity to think about what changes occurred in your relationship to cause the fundamental loss of attraction that led to your breakup.
Phase #2. The Rekindling phase.
This is the second phase of three and it’s all about changing the way your ex sees you, helping them to forget the negative memories and the reasons they broke up with you and hold on to more of the nostalgia the happy memories.
It’s also about setting the stage for the third phase which is Retraction.
One of the most important things you’re going to be doing during the Rekindling phase is making your ex miss you. Think for a second about how you would miss something or what causes you to miss something or someone.
Generally speaking, if you’re very comfortable and used to having something or someone in your life, if that is suddenly removed from you or taken away from you, take it out of your life altogether all of a sudden that’s what’s going to make you miss that object or that person.
And the exact same principle applies to your ex, if you just keep in contact with your ex everyday and you sort of slowly fade away, they won’t develop those feelings of missing you like you need them in order to get them back.
That’s what this No Contact phase is all about, I’ve mentioned this in the first phase you’re not going to want to talk to your ex at all for about a month after the breakup and that is one of the main goals of this in addition to helping you get over your ex, it’s also going to make your ex miss you.
Now, scientists have proven that this actually happens it comes to a peak around three weeks after the breakup so three weeks of not hearing from you after being totally used to having you in their life, your ex is going to be missing you like crazy and that’s really important to your chances of getting them back.
But it’s very important making your ex miss you and that’s why the No Contactk phase must occur if your ex is going to miss you.
Another important thing you want to be doing during the Rekindling phase, is working on changing yourself back into that attractive person that your ex fell for in the first place so that involves basically a lot of sort of self-improvement things.
Things like going to the gym, getting new clothes, making new friends, being social, generally improving your life, moving forward so that your ex sees you as a more than just their desperate ex that they’re moving on from and someone who’s attractive, somebody who they actually are going to have second thoughts about breaking up with.
So, by doing all these sorts of things like I said, being social, making new friends, going on dates if you can, going to the gym, buying you clothes, whatever it is.
You’re moving your life forward to make yourself more attractive to your ex so that they think to themselves, “Hmm, I wonder if breaking up with this person was such a good idea in the first place because hey, look they out look at how awesome they are look at how they’re thriving since the break-up.”
And another thing that sort of ties into that is what I call Covert Jealousy. Basically, this involves making your ex jealous which they will if you do this the way I’m going to talk about, you got to be careful with this of course because it does have some dangers associated with it but it works extremely well.
And what you need to do to generate this covert jealousy is basically date other people, go out even if it’s not a date even, if it’s just a hanging out with friends of the opposite sex.
That’s going to cause your ex to become jealous when they find out about it so this Covert Jealousy can really help your cause and really make you look a lot more attractive in the eyes of your ex.
As a matter of fact, there’s something in evolutionary science called “Preselection”, which is what this Covert Jealousy is based on.
Basically, if your ex sees you being pursued by other men, other women then they’re going to want you more as well they’re gonna they’re going to assume that you’re a high-value person and that they’ve made a mistake letting you go.
So Covert Jealousy is an extremely important part of the Rekindling phase.
Now, the final part of the Rekindling phase is the first contact with your ex. Your re-establishing communication with your ex once the No Nontact period is over.
Now you’re going to want to start small, don’t just suddenly jump into a phone call with your ex where you start talking about your relationship in the future and all that don’t do that.
Start small, start with maybe a simple text message something really happy, carefree, upbeat. The goal here is just to show your ex that you’re still around you’re doing great since the break-up and generally show them that you’re that you’re thriving and that you’re happy you’re carefree.
Avoid any kind of negativity in these first few contacts with your ex. Don’t bring up any drama, don’t talk about the relationship, just be happy, be funny, show your ex a good time, remind them why you were so awesome and why you were together with this person for such a long period of time.
One of the best ways to do this, one of the best ways to reach out to your ex in this or small happy with casual way after the No Contact period is by text message.
This is a lot better than just saying hey or what’s up or something like that we may not generate a reply. The Question text is specifically designed to a bring up:
A. Positive happy memory that you and your ex shared together and B. Generate a reply.
So the question text essentially what I recommend is doing some saying something like, “Hey remember that private beach we found last summer? Do you ever which highway exit we had to take to get there? I want to take a friend but I can’t remember how to get there.”
Something like that where:
A. I’m reminding of my ex the great time we had at the private beach last summer.
B. I’m suggesting that I’m taking a friend there dropping a little bit of Covert Jealousy and C. I’m asking a question so hopefully I’m going to get a reply.
This is just one type of text message you can use and you obviously you’ll have to customize it to your situation but I do recommend sending something small and starting with this very carefree happy attitude to your text message and building for that from there and preparing yourself for the next phase.
Phase #3. The Re-Attraction Phase.
This is where you’re going to need to establish an in-person meeting with your ex, you’re going to want to rebuild the physical and emotional connection and it’s all done in person.
That’s the first goal here, you want to get an in-person meeting with your ex. Now you can just pose as a friend here, you’re not going to say anything about you know let’s get back together, let’s talk about it whatever.
You’re just going to ask them to meet to catch up maybe it’s over coffee thirty minutes to have drinks after work whatever it is, just get an in-person meeting as a friend and at that point you can do what needs to be done to rebuild some of the physical and emotional attraction that your ex had for you.
Just like with the text message stay positive. Don’t talk about the relationship, don’t break up any drama, don’t get in any arguments, just keep it friendly, upbeat, happy and show your ex a good time that’s really important.
Before I go any further I should also mention that this phase Re-Attraction can actually differ quite dramatically from men to women.
When you’re in this in person meeting, you’re showing your ex a good time, you’re having fun, you’re also showing them the new you because remember of course you’ve gone through these self-improvement things that I talked about earlier.
You’ve been ignoring your ex, you want to show them how you’ve changed, you want to be happy, upbeat, friendly and most importantly you want to flirt.
Now they’re there as friends but that doesn’t mean you can’t flirt and build some sexual tension with your ex. Don’t be afraid to touch, touching is really important.
A lot of the experts call this “Keno” basically it involves flirting by touching reminding your ex of what it felt like when you were together. Developing that subconscious memories and bringing back some nostalgia.
And of course, building that sexual tension that’s critical for every romantic relationship.
Just to mention, if you do have a unique situation, if there’s something that wasn’t covered in this video that you’re still wondering about, I highly suggest you go check out the free video below. It will give you all the information you need to start winning them back today.